


moved by you

by cecropia



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Connor has feelings, Connor rags on himself a lot, I meant for this to be like, M/M, One Shot, One-Sided Attraction, Self-Esteem Issues, basically the one where he realizes he’s in luuuuuv, connors pining and Evan likes him back but Connor doubts himself too much, i guess??, whatevs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-24
Updated: 2019-07-24
Packaged: 2020-07-12 15:21:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,737
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19948390
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cecropia/pseuds/cecropia
Summary: Evan smiles sweetly at him, a sort of half-smirk because one side of his smile is higher than the other and he squints his eyes a little like he’s actually happy, like Connor managed to make him happy, and suddenly Connor can’t hear the movie anymore. It’s just Evan.It’s all Evan.





	moved by you

**Author's Note:**

> HI  
> tbh I’ve been having the worst writers block so here’s... this!!!  
> tl;dr: the moment connie wonnie has a ~realization~  
> title is inspired by the song Everything by Lifehouse  
> enjoy!!! love u guys
> 
> come talk to me! c-e-c-r-o-p-i-a on tumblr :-)  
> 

It’s a Saturday, and Evan Hansen is sitting on Connor Murphy’s couch. 

Which usually isn’t that much of a big deal. It’s pretty typical, actually; Evan sprawled out across the other half of the sectional with a blanket over his lap and his eyes glued to the giant television in front of them. It’s the same situation Connor finds himself in every single Saturday lately, the two of them awkwardly stammering through invites that they only offer because it would be weird if one of them just showed up and then picking a movie from Netflix that neither of them have seen and settling into Connor’s couch. 

Simple. Non-committal. The perfect situation for two people who aren’t really that experienced in the whole ‘friend’ department apart from having each other. 

So it’s Saturday and Evan’s on the couch and so is Connor and they found a movie and everything’s normal but something is absolutely and utterly  _ wrong _ . And Connor can’t put his finger on it. 

Maybe today Connor just feels off. Because Evan’s been completely normal, he’s joked around with Connor like they do and Zoe hasn’t harassed them any more than usual and Larry hasn’t had the audacity to make an appearance and Cynthia hasn’t checked on them all night so Connor shouldn’t feel weird. He shouldn’t feel all jittery and self-conscious and keyed up but he  _ does _ feel that way; he can’t stop fidgeting with his hands and he hasn’t even touched the popcorn resting between the two of them and he has absolutely no idea what the movie’s about at this point because the movie is decently loud but his brain is louder. Much louder.

It  _ has _ to be Connor, because Evan doesn’t seem to be feeling it at all. He looks almost  _ relaxed _ in his sweatpants and a sweatshirt he stole from Connor’s closet earlier in the night, his hair messy from wrestling it over his head and Cynthia’s favorite throw blanket resting on his lap. He’s got one leg propped up on the coffee table and one stretched out across the couch, green eyes flicking to different parts of the screen as the blue light of the TV reflects off of his skin in the dark room. Sometimes it gets so bright that Connor can see the freckles that dot the bridge of his nose and his cheeks. 

And right now Evan’s got his hand pulled up to his face, thumb pressed to his lower lip so he can chew on his nail and Connor guesses that they’re reaching a dramatic part in the movie because Evan’s eyebrows are almost permanently pushed together. And then Evan has become so entranced with the events unfolding on the screen that his thumb just rests there against his parted lips and.

And.

Connor’s staring at his friend’s mouth. Which… 

That’s a development.

It’s not like… it’s not like he was staring at Evan’s lips in  _ that _ way. He wasn’t trying to be creepy about it or anything. Like, Evan’s cute, Connor can acknowledge that, but it’s not like he’s… trying to get into Evan’s pants or something. Evan’s his friend, and Connor wouldn’t ask for anything more. He’s satisfied with the relationship they have right now, actually. Evan’s everything Connor’s ever looked for in a friend and more, if that’s even possible.

And his best friend just so happens to have really nice lips. It’s not Connor’s fault that he’s staring.

And then Evan’s eyes are suddenly gazing into Connor’s and Evan smiles awkwardly, bringing his knees up to his chest and  _ fuck, Connor, look what you’ve done. You’ve upset him. He probably thinks you’re a fucking creep, an idiot, he’s probably going to leave and then you’ll be alone again— _

Connor looks away as quick as he possibly can. He feels his face flush a deep red and he fights the urge to clear his throat, because that’s what he does when he’s nervous, and—

He’s  _ nervous _ . 

But it’s totally normal to be nervous when you’re lost in thought and someone catches you staring, right? It’s humiliating. Of  _ course _ he’s nervous. 

Connor needs to get it together right the fuck now.

He’s glad he can at least keep his anxiety internal for the most part now that Evan’s eyes are back on the screen. When Evan’s nervous or having an anxiety attack his eyes bug out and his cheeks turn this lovely shade of pink and he presses his mouth into a line, pacing back and forth and wringing his hands. Evan has certain tells. And Evan already has horrible dry skin, so Connor hates that he messes with his hands so much because he just needs to stop picking at his nails and use the cuticle cream Connor got for him a while back. Fuck. It’s not that hard.

And Evan always ends up running his hands through his hair and that’s distracting enough without Connor having to watch him picking at his nails, and sometimes when he’s really nervous he’ll curl into a ball similarly to what he’s doing now, wrapping his arms around his knees and resting his chin on top of them, pulling at his (in this case, Connor’s) sweatshirt sleeve like he doesn’t even realize he’s doing it. 

And. Connor’s fucking looking at him again.

Okay, movie. They’re watching a movie. 

The couple on the screen is obviously fighting, and the guy says something that was probably super offensive to the woman because her face falls and she storms offscreen and Connor quietly laughs to himself because one, straight people are weird, and two, that’s totally something that would happen to him if he were in a relationship. He’d get mad and words he didn’t mean would slip out and he’d never be able to take them back and then the person he was with would leave like Miguel and everyone else who’s ever walked into Connor’s life and seen who he really is. 

Connor’s not laughing anymore. 

But Evan is, and the laugh is sudden and loud and it scares Connor so much that he jumps a bit. Evan doesn’t notice. 

“Which— which one of us picked this one? It’s so bad.”

Right. Movie. 

“I honestly have no fucking idea,” Connor answers, aiming for nonchalance by rolling his eyes and putting on a bored expression. “Whoever it was should be fired.”

“The one who made this movie exist should be fired,” Evan quips, pulling the blanket tighter around him and grabbing a handful of popcorn. “Like, you know the girl is going to get back with this guy in the end even though he’s— he’s a total—“

“He’s a dick,” Connor supplies. 

“Yeah,” Evan agrees. “He’s an awful boyfriend. She deserves better. Like, who in the world— who in their right mind would tell their significant other that they look like…”

It’s not that Connor’s not listening, he just. Gets kind of distracted. Because for being someone who wants to hide and fade into the background as much as he does, Evan’s so… expressive. So much that it almost makes Connor want to laugh when Evan’s eyebrows about shoot off of his head and his eyes roll almost all the way back and he gestures with his hands, because Evan’s just such an anomaly. He’s sweet and kind and amazing and yeah, he has an anxiety disorder, and yeah, he’s got some tics, but he’s the most amazing person Connor’s ever known. He gave Connor a chance even though Connor had been nothing but awful to him, and he’s just so caring about everyone he comes into contact with and he loves animals and he’s just amazing in general, so Connor can’t really understand why he wants to hide that from the rest of the world. Everyone needs a friend like Evan Hansen. 

Connor doesn’t deserve him. 

“... and some people just shouldn’t be— they shouldn’t get to have partners, you know? Like that guy’s hot, but he has no idea how to have a healthy relationship.” Evan ends his rant and suddenly seems to remember Connor’s there because he kind of jumps, laughing awkwardly and looking to the side. “Sorry, sorry, um. I just. Have a lot of feelings about that stuff.”

“Definitely don’t apologize. I get it. Like, I’m pretty sure I rant to myself about this stuff every single time I hear my parents fighting, which is… like, every goddamn night. So.”

Evan smiles sweetly at him, a sort of half-smirk because one side of his smile is higher than the other and he squints his eyes a little like he’s actually happy, like Connor managed to make him happy, and suddenly Connor can’t hear the movie anymore. It’s just Evan. 

It’s all Evan. 

Connor stops breathing for a second, his heart fluttering in his chest. 

“... Connor? Are you— is everything okay? You seem kind of—“

“No, I’m—“ Connor clears his throat, avoids Evan’s eyes. And his mouth. And his face and just him in general. Connor’s cheeks are on fire. “It’s fine. Tired.”

Evan glances at the clock. It's barely 9pm. “Do you— I mean, we can always turn the movie off and go to bed—“

“No, it’s okay. I wanna see how this train wreck ends.”

And that seems to be believable enough for Evan, so he turns back to the movie and he’s got this cute little smile on his face and Connor’s fucking screwed. 

He’s absolutely fucked. 

Because there’s literally no way in hell Evan’s thinking these things about Connor. There’s absolutely no way Evan looks at Connor and thinks about how he would be the perfect partner, always attentive and constantly worrying about his significant other and caring so, so much, and Evan doesn’t stare at Connor’s mouth when he’s not looking and he doesn’t imagine holding Connor in his arms because Connor’s not… desirable. He’s broken and he’s not going to get better and— 

His therapist’s voice intrudes on his thoughts. It’s rude, to be honest. 

_ Connor, if you keep repeating all this negative stuff, it’s going to stick. It’s like… memorizing a shitty song that you never ever forget the lyrics to. _

She’s not wrong, but Connor’s annoyed either way. 

He glances over at Evan again, wishing he could be closer. Wishing he could be everything Evan needs him to be. 

Right now, Evan needs Connor to be his friend. 

And Connor’s going to deliver. Even though it hurts. 


End file.
